Sometimes what feels like a storm is nothing more than a light drizzle, even though it puts a damper on things, and may make you cancel some plans it's not as bad as it could be.

I've been aching a lot lately, but I've been putting it aside. There's a constant pang. Like the feeling you get when you miss a step, or you don't realise you're stepping off the curb...That feeling you get when a car dips in the middle of the road - a sudden reminder that something that should be there just isn't.

I've been doing all the things I should be doing. Job hunting, apartment hunting, DMV booklet studying, errand running, bus hopping, caretaking...looking for places to volunteer on days when I'm not doing anything else...and on top of that, trying to read that damn book, and write articles as well as pieces of my projects. And through all of it, I feel a sting.

I feel you when I'm not trying to - in fact, when I'm trying to do the opposite. I meditated with a candle I annointed myself, and I felt what you were sending out. I tried to sleep a couple days ago, and felt you want to tell me things and according to AIM logged on mere minutes after you did. I've had dreams so vivid, so heartbreakingly vivid, that they feel real - and I haven't had those since......

And on top of it all, I see a pattern - the pattern that made me need to write this out.

The November Rain...

...leads to the Cold of December...

...And nothing Changes on New Years Day.

And then there's June - repeating itself.

It took a lot to figure this one out.
It was difficult to notice - even harder to see.

But here's the thing....
I can See agin.

See

And I know that in time, for that's the only thing stopping it, will show you what I see.
But when the time comes, you'll be ready - We both will....We all will.
Because all the right things will happen, with the right amount of work, and effort.

So I hold my Black Rose close to my heart, saving it for the proper moment,
because as someone told me recently -
"Time's a funny thing."

I love you.

Before the Storm...

I came here - I know not why my fingers typed the address to this place, but they did - to write down something that sparked suddenly in my head.

But When I came to my blog I realised it had been exactly a year since I've posted her. Exactly.
Perhaps it is because only a handful of people know I write here....and of that handful, I doubt any of them still check up on this seemingly abandoned section of my brain.. It's not that I don't want to be read, I do. But I also want to want to be read. I want to be sought out, not show up unwanted. I want people to truly want to hear what I have to say, because oftentimes I just ramble on...and sing my song....met with a roll of the eyes, an unneeded lecture, or pity, when all I wanted, nay, needed, was to be given advice, or maybe just to feel like I'm not being ignored - Not even that sometimes! Sometimes it's just desperation for a conversation.

But that's not why I came here today.

This Blog is so out of the way, so hidden...Possibly forgotten. If I didn't want this to be read I would set the settings to "Private." Perhaps what I need to say needs to be found, or read at the right moment. Maybe that's why I was driven here by whatever powers that be....

But there's something that needs saying.

And this was just the calm...before the storm.

Admissions.

For some reason it is at this moment that I have decided to compile a list of admissions that mean next to nothing, but that people might never guess about me. Please leave a comment, or message me, if only to say you've read it.

- I like small, understated things. Stud earrings as opposed to big dangley things, and such...Things that you really need to look at up close, and more than once, to appreciate the details, something subtle that isn't obvious from 5 feet away. It's almost like I have my own little secret because I've looked at it more than anybody else.

- While the above still holds true, I do like vibrant colours. Or really dark ones. I truly enjoy eclecticism, and like to vary things. One day I can be colourful and bright, and the next dark and melodramatic. From hipster to hippie to gothy and everything in between. I don't like holding to one type of style, but it's mostly because I just wear what I like, not because I want to look like something

- I act less intelligent than I think I am. I don't know why, it's just one of those things I do. Maybe it's so people have a lower expectation of me.

- I like to feel close to people. I like showing affection. I cuddle and hug people. Not everyone, though. If I don't like someone, I won't. It's also a symbol of my trust.

- It takes a lot to make me angry. It takes a lot to piss me off. It's also relatively easy for me to forgive people, but if you piss me off to where I can't even think of you without crying, or having this terribly bitter feeling, I won't acknowledge you to anybody. Even if you did something fantastic for me, like give me a ride home when I was stuck at school or take me out for food, when someone asks what happened my brain will make something up as if you never existed. And as much as I want to feel good about the little white lie, I never will.

- With regard to the above, even if you're being amazing to me, I'll be pissed off, and I'll be mean. I don't *want* people I'm mad at to do nice things for me...I don't want to forgive you if you hurt me that bad. And I''ll feel bad about it. always. Because I'll constantly be going overboard about it. I have a mean side that takes a lot to uncover. And it's vicious! When it comes out I hate myself days later.

- I hate lying.

- There's a reason why I can't force myself to cry. My tears are sacred to me. I only cry when I truly feel bad. When I know I've done something wrong. When I feel my soul is being crushed, or at least a little part of it is leaving me because of something awful that happened, or that I did.

- When I cry, I feel like I'm going to die.....My stomach wants to explode. My body shakes violently. I feel not only like I need to throw up, but like I already have.

- I always feel like I never care enough unless it's important, and when I do worry I never show it.

- I hate the word hate, especially when it comes to people. I have a hard time hating other people, but I can hate myself at the drop of a hat. Even when I feel justified in hating someone the minute they show signs of being hurt, I'll breakdown and feel bad. I'll hide the fact that I'm feeling terrible, and sometimes smile it off, but the next time I'm alone the self-hate pours out of me. I'll never cut myself, or intentionally hurt myself physically, but I won't be able to forgive myself until I apologise to them first and try my damnedest to alleviate the pain that I've caused.

- I'll only say I'm sorry when I truly am.

- I'll sometimes hold off on apologising to someone depending on the severity of the situation. If I feel that I haven't suffered an equal amount of emotional pain that I've inflicted on someone then I don't feel I can truly be sorry for something.

- I feel closest to myself when I'm singing, acting, or loving. Anything that honestly evokes real, true passion.

- I have trouble "admitting" to things that I've done out of love, but I can admit anything I've done out of spite.

- I don't think actions of love need to be admitted to unless asked about.

- I like biting.

- I've never done drugs, and I don't plan on it, but I have always wondered what it would feel like.

- There have been times where I wanted to kill myself.

- I've thought about death in a poetic sense

- I've faked a failed a suicide.

- Too many people tell me I'm perfect, so I do terrible things in front of people who will confront me about it in the most no-holds-barred sort of way to prove to myself that I'm not.

- I feel like a boy. Every day. I dress like a girl when I want to impress someone, when I want to look cute. I usually don't give a damn what I look like unless I'm with people that don't either.

- I hate being called cute by random people just because I do something quirky, or make a particular face.

- When I fuck up big time my lower right rib threatens to break and kill me every time I breathe.

- I like to try new things. In everything. Tastes, smells, experiences....I want to try everything sensory.

- I consider my dreams to be somewhat important.

- I usually hate blondes.

- It's easier for me to open up to boys than girls.

- I'm such an optimist that when bad things hit me, they hit me hard...and about once or twice a month for anywhere from an hour to a whole day I will be the biggest, most pessimistic, emotional wreck the world has ever seen...and about once a year I'll have a complete breakdown.

- I'm so afraid that people will stop loving me that I end up crumbling and doing something awful to or in front of them.

- I've only regretted kissing one person.

- I don't like attention as much as some people think I do.

- I think of my uncle as more of a father than my dad, and my dad more as an older brother.

- I don't take myself seriously.

- I really do want a job.

- I feel bad when I have no stories to tell about what happened in class, and all of my stories are socially related.

- I say things without any reason, and it's only because I didn't take 5 seconds to actually think.

What a...Hazy...Shade of Winter...

Time, time, time, see whats become of me.........

Time, time, time, see whats become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of Winter

Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside, its bound to be a better ride
Than what you've got planned
Carry your cup in your hand
And look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of Winter

Hang on to your hopes, my friend
That's an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again
Look around, the grass is high
The fields are ripe, its the springtime of my life

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime

But look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of Winter

Look around, leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground...
Look around, leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground...
Look around, leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground...

(Paul Simon)

Ce N'est Pas une...Child?

I'm officially an adult, aren't I? I'm doing nothing this year, festivity wise and....I'm fine with it? I grew up fast...I usually couldn't wait for Hallowe'en, to trick or treat...and now I'm content giving out candy in costume at the Hallowe'en store. That and deciding I'm not going to do anything for my birthday? *Smirks* I guess when enough people tell you to "grow up" you just kinda do, right?

In other News: I truly miss Mike Byington, for he is awesome. Upon watching one of his (ultimatewannabe) youtube videos I was thrown into a sad realisation that I may never see him again, except through Circus....and that's even if he continues. Sad Bekah.

BEKAH WAS A BRUNETTE...OR...Else she was an ex brunette...or maybe she was just a red head!

But she was still
Bekaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
So, yes, lookit!
So, I put it all in my hair!
It was a lot more to deal with than I thought it would be...
Heh....
But it was a lot of fun!









And I "Worked it in to my hair"
as the box told me to do....
Must obey the taco man....
Laaaa
Diiiiiii
Daaah!













"Leave in hair for....

...20 - 40 minutes...?"


*siiigh*


*plays with stuff*


*hopes*




Hehehe....

And that's why they call *me* Moses...

I may not *Save* on the river,

But I can totally turn the sea into blood...

"...Und I did!"






Heh, and this is what happens when
*I* get a hold of the camera.
Is teh suck.
Picture taking, not the hair...I loveses the hair.
*Filler*
This is what
It looks like
With no light on
A Shot in the dark one might say.
I like the random Cow-lick, too!
:) So, I have quasi-red hair, now. Yay!
But I am still:
BEKAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Because it's been a couple years....

It came out in 2005...at the beginning of summer...Listening to the song had always made me realise that it would be my last year in high school...hearing it play on the Radio as my somewhat surrogate mother drove me home on the last days of September really drove it home...the sun was setting, and the world was a dream-like shade of pink...It was so poignant...how it descended into such darkness from there...A darkness with very few stars...

The fact that it had been 7, 7-and-a-half, years or so since I had moved in with my mother...the fact that I'd be leaving...
When it rained that night, from the only stars; from the skies as well as my eyes...regarding the spontaneous uncertainty, and some serious reflecting upon myself...My future, imagining myself in 4 years, when I would be 20, in 13 years, when the aforementioned 7 years would be 20...

Fast forward to about 335 days (give or take a week or 2) later, The start of September, once again, how different and distant one year ago had seemed...The end of an era, a different Rebekah - Not so much different, maybe 'freer' would be a more appropriate word....but that's not right either...
Different, yet the same, freer in some ways, more restricted in others - And then there's that distance...Yeah, the distant bit was the more profound feeling...I felt far away, and not the physical plane sort of distance, but emotional and mental distance...more self-realisation and reflection...and then something amazing about, I'd say, a week later.

Evolving to DVDs and pressing the "Next chapter" button....And Once again...September is ending...The amount of change is insane. There's no way I would have called this that night with the candy-dream-pink sky that faded into the star sprinkled veil of tears that brought on an amazing rain to wash away the pain, which melted brilliantly into a sunny day that was so fantastic I danced outside for hours on a *Saturday!* There was a beautiful rainbow that day, too!

And I look at that sky...that sky, that night...And what a metaphor it has become....
2005 - A candy-dream...something imagined that was bound to end as quick as it started....
2006 - darkness descends and chaos takes over; essentially all Hell breaking loose, And a hopeful phoenix getting burned in the end in a failed attempt to shed some light.
2007 - Rain washing away the past, putting out the fire, stopping just before it drowned the ashes, therefore allowing the phoenix to rise, reborn,and start anew...Bringing more parts to the surface than she ever thought possible. 3 Birds rise as one. A Raven, Dark and feminine; a Phoenix, perfectly balanced; dark and light, Male and female - and a dove, with an 'Olive' Branch in its beak.
2008 - The sun is up, The sky is blue, its beautiful and so are you, dear Prudence...won't you come out to play? Yes, I see myself stuck in the house a great deal more, but I also see the sun shining, dewdrops on palm trees, and life being as wonderful as it ever was...but the inevitable cinnamon twigs in September....

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

*And It is at this moment, when I'm about to post it, that I reflect once again, for one last moment, and strike the match.*

September had Ended, and I am truly Awake.