Friday, September 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
And it's times like these when I ask why I bother. I stand still and the world continues. This continues to baffle me....How did it Get to be the end of September? How can I be awakened at the end if I haven't slept? And wasn't it just May? "Come What May" is a good song. I like school....But there's something seriously wrong when I'm setting a curve without really trying, and doing not so fantastic when I'm really studying in the language lab. I haven't decided yet if I like my French teacher. She's nice, but she...Goes too fast and too slow at the same time? She talks so much, and says so little. She writes hardly anything down. She spends mass amounts of time on one subject (say, numbers) but says them so fast that I can hardly comprehend one before she's onto the next But I will pass this class! On top of that I just found out my math class is Pass/Fail....Grr, typical. I'm awesome and it doesn't matter.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sleep is simple, you just close your eyes and go...
Yet for me, sleep is sad...It's when everything starts flowing into my mind, Good and bad...Everything people have said, all the things I was supposed to do that I'd forgotten, all the things that a responsible 18 year old should be doing, or should already have done.
It's times like these when I wonder if I take anything seriously...Or if I'm much too obsessive about other things.
And at times like these I get the loveliest ideas, half-hindered by half-headaches.
At times like these I wish I knew people that would be awake right now that I could talk to...People that would answer.
...I wish people would call *me* sometimes, instead of it always being the other way around; I wish people would actually call when they say they will.
It's times like this when I wish I could just call someone up and have them read to me until I (or they, or we) fall asleep...I miss being read to...
And times like these make me lonely...Lying in my bed, closing my eyes...willing fantastic journeys through my subconscious, but feeling only warm streams of this salty saline solution escape from under my enduring lids....As I wonder where the years went....And how right now all I want is a loving arm around my waist and a promising kiss on the cheek....Followed by an encouraging word or two. Something comforting to put my racing mind at ease, the gentle press of a boat to dislodge it from land and start it drifting on a stream. Of Dreams.
But instead of this I see my future...It isn't bleak in any sense of the word...but I wonder of a career...Acting is a difficult field to find work...and sometimes it doesn't pay at all; Not that I only act for the money - goodness! But it's one of those problems that need to be addressed.
And then there's this front, this façade, this face I am forced to present. There are times when I wonder what to disclose and what not to. How much do you tell someone upon first meeting them...? How much do you tell people you've known forever? Why is there this paradox with honesty? Why are certain topics Taboo? Why would some people think less of you for being perfectly earnest? Why is it that certain people, quite possibly the people you're closest to, the people that tell you "We'd accept you no matter what," don't, in fact, accept certain aspects of your lifestyle/personality. Why might the response be "Well, that explains such and such...." or some form of general acceptance when you initially drop the bomb, but a week later they try to tell you that its not "Who you are" just because they don't see it - or don't want to see it as the case is much more likely to be.
And then there are the corpses in the cupboard...Not quite as dreadful as the skeletons in the closet, but they're still there. These are the things that just sort of happened once, nothing big, but it happened...Something you always thought you should bring up, but you never did because it never seemed relevant, or it never really came up. The nightmares that have repeatedly wrenched you out of sleep, the real reason you haven't been sleeping, the strange vision you fought against, the magical properties a certain necklace might have, as it's gone from hot to cold during said fought-against-vision...
It's times like these when I wonder if I take anything seriously...Or if I'm much too obsessive about other things.
And at times like these I get the loveliest ideas, half-hindered by half-headaches.
At times like these I wish I knew people that would be awake right now that I could talk to...People that would answer.
...I wish people would call *me* sometimes, instead of it always being the other way around; I wish people would actually call when they say they will.
It's times like this when I wish I could just call someone up and have them read to me until I (or they, or we) fall asleep...I miss being read to...
And times like these make me lonely...Lying in my bed, closing my eyes...willing fantastic journeys through my subconscious, but feeling only warm streams of this salty saline solution escape from under my enduring lids....As I wonder where the years went....And how right now all I want is a loving arm around my waist and a promising kiss on the cheek....Followed by an encouraging word or two. Something comforting to put my racing mind at ease, the gentle press of a boat to dislodge it from land and start it drifting on a stream. Of Dreams.
But instead of this I see my future...It isn't bleak in any sense of the word...but I wonder of a career...Acting is a difficult field to find work...and sometimes it doesn't pay at all; Not that I only act for the money - goodness! But it's one of those problems that need to be addressed.
And then there's this front, this façade, this face I am forced to present. There are times when I wonder what to disclose and what not to. How much do you tell someone upon first meeting them...? How much do you tell people you've known forever? Why is there this paradox with honesty? Why are certain topics Taboo? Why would some people think less of you for being perfectly earnest? Why is it that certain people, quite possibly the people you're closest to, the people that tell you "We'd accept you no matter what," don't, in fact, accept certain aspects of your lifestyle/personality. Why might the response be "Well, that explains such and such...." or some form of general acceptance when you initially drop the bomb, but a week later they try to tell you that its not "Who you are" just because they don't see it - or don't want to see it as the case is much more likely to be.
And then there are the corpses in the cupboard...Not quite as dreadful as the skeletons in the closet, but they're still there. These are the things that just sort of happened once, nothing big, but it happened...Something you always thought you should bring up, but you never did because it never seemed relevant, or it never really came up. The nightmares that have repeatedly wrenched you out of sleep, the real reason you haven't been sleeping, the strange vision you fought against, the magical properties a certain necklace might have, as it's gone from hot to cold during said fought-against-vision...
The the silly-seeming, yet somewhat serious, things that you've done that you wish you could tell your closest friends without them shrieking. Wishing people (including myself) would realise that time has passed. I'm 18, I'm not 12. There are certain things I'm allowed to do as an adult, most of which I choose not to engage in (Smoking, gambling, being tried as an adult, etc.) but the point is, I'm allowed to. At this point the finger-wagging merely reflects common sense, one's own individual perception of common sense, really, and personal choices.
At this point it's like the difference between a 15 year old drinking at a friend's party, and a 21 year old drinking a glass of wine with his family during dinner. Chastising the 15 year old makes sense, A) He's not even of a legal drinking age in a foreign country, but, well...they just aren't old enough. Chastising the 21 year old is ridiculous because not only is he of legal age, but he's being responsible with his rights. (He's making an educated choice...he's not running around in a frat house, drinking until he starts vomiting on the rug because he couldn't make it to the bathroom/sink/outside/window/the real Lebowski's house in time...or simply made a mistake because he 'totally forgot what was going on.') No, this guy is enjoying an evening socially, and indulging in his right to consume a spirit...... Really the point I think this convoluted paragraph was supposed to make was 'you may not agree with a choice someone made because you wouldn't make that same choice, but it doesn't make it wrong.'
And yet more paradoxes. You know how when someone is sad, a nice person's reaction is to try to cheer them up? You know how sometimes it doesn't work entirely, but you're grateful for the attempt? Well it happened to me a couple days ago. Only, in this instance I discerned something interesting. Up until rather recently the notion of me going and doing things late at night, or things involving travel have been generally frowned upon, and I'm still in the whole 'no means no, and if we don't like the person you're going with then, apologies, but, you're not going' state. Though, occasionally, I rebel without a real cause, I guess, except a desire for some semblance of freedom, or a need to prove to myself that I am - indeed - in control of my life, and what I do. And that's not usually met with any sort of "You go girl!", "Yeaahhh, Boyyyy" or "Let's do this! LEEROY JENKINS!!!!" (dunno why I linked to those, but...) It's usually more along the lines of long talking-tos and finger-waggings. Yet, in order to cheer me up or perhaps, commiserate, they called for that same sort of action. Not on my part, but on the part of others. Yes, I'm all for that. For me. It works for me, but it doesn't work for everyone else. (Now of course, I didn't say this but...) It works for me because I don't exactly care about the consequences. What's the worst that's going to happen when I get home - Or if they're asleep when I get home, then the next day upon waking? I get a half-hour long talking-to about my choices being bad? I get a harsh suggestion regarding the finding of a job (which I fully intend to do, anyway, when I'm not in school)? That's it. That's all that really can be done at this point. And I can deal with those. Because I had fun doing what I was doing. I feel it was worth it.
Other people might have harsher consequences to deal with, or might be less apathetic towards rules and regulations than I. Which is good. Or they may be more easily crushed under the heel of totalitarianism. Which isn't good, but in time will end. Either way, it just struck me as odd. If *I* were to rebel saying "I'm of age! You can't hold me down," take a bus to the promenade, or leave with a friend, and come back that night, or the next day I'd be in for a world of pain, but it should be perfectly ok for someone else to do that exact thing.....*shakes head* I don't understand it...
But at this time, aside from all this stuff filling up my mind, I also get nostalgic. Memories of conversations flood into my mind...of incidents beyond my control that happened without my realising it...Things that I feel bad about, but at the same time don't - falling in love, when I did, how I did. And we're back to honesty again...It's true that in the past I've been less-than-honest with myself regarding my feelings, and it may have come out as 'lying' to others when I related those 'feelings.' But I tried to make it right in the end by being honest about what had happened, but I ended up hurting people. I really hate hurting people, despite popular belief.
The things that usually pop into my mind are things like:
1. My father told me recently that he thought Brittany and I were a couple the first time I "Brought her 'round the family." - While at that time I wouldn't have objected to the idea, now it's not something I want. Sure We may act flirty and affectionate around each other, but it's all in good fun, and not serious.
2. Transvestitism. - 'nuff said.
3. Weird/Unconventional shit. - Ditto.
4. "What Ifs" - There are so many times that I ask "what if...?" Or think "Gee, I should've done this. The biggest one was wishing I had actually had a livejournal or a blog during my junior high years up through high school and kept it updated. Maybe more as a diary.
I also think...a lot...I get jealous of my brother a bit...him being allowed to dye his hair and everything, while I wasn't. How he tends (Or tended) to get a lot more things his way. But then I realise I'd much rather be me. And I don't want everything I ever ask for right away. It may not be what I want in the long run. Also, If I got everything I wanted I'd take it for granted.
I also tend to have really stupid ideas, like get a cup of tea at *looks at clock O_O* 4:30 AM...because I can't sleep.....*blows some steam away and has another nostalgic memory of catching a grin on the face of someone she just made tea for...*...*looks at spoon and wonders how many times she's sneezed in the past couple days, looks at the fingers holding the spoon and smirks*
Another thing worth mentioning is how curious I am. Random Ideas make me smile. I seem to be the "Try anything twice to be certain I didn't like it the first time." kind of person. I also have really bad ideas. (It should be noted that "stupid" ideas and "bad" ideas are different.) "I wonder what would happen if...." "I suppose I'd get a negative reaction if I were to do this..., but let's do it anyway!" "Wouldn't it be fantastic to....?" "Oh Goddess, how horrible that would be! If......." It's amazing to get a positive reaction when spouting off those sort of ideas, be it a prank, something unconventional, or both!
Seeing as I'm rambling rather aimlessly at this point I think I should finish off my tea, crawl into bed, and beg sleep to wash over me.
Sweet dreams world. Though at this time many a person is waking up to begin their day - Sweet dreams.
At this point it's like the difference between a 15 year old drinking at a friend's party, and a 21 year old drinking a glass of wine with his family during dinner. Chastising the 15 year old makes sense, A) He's not even of a legal drinking age in a foreign country, but, well...they just aren't old enough. Chastising the 21 year old is ridiculous because not only is he of legal age, but he's being responsible with his rights. (He's making an educated choice...he's not running around in a frat house, drinking until he starts vomiting on the rug because he couldn't make it to the bathroom/sink/outside/window/the real Lebowski's house in time...or simply made a mistake because he 'totally forgot what was going on.') No, this guy is enjoying an evening socially, and indulging in his right to consume a spirit...... Really the point I think this convoluted paragraph was supposed to make was 'you may not agree with a choice someone made because you wouldn't make that same choice, but it doesn't make it wrong.'
And yet more paradoxes. You know how when someone is sad, a nice person's reaction is to try to cheer them up? You know how sometimes it doesn't work entirely, but you're grateful for the attempt? Well it happened to me a couple days ago. Only, in this instance I discerned something interesting. Up until rather recently the notion of me going and doing things late at night, or things involving travel have been generally frowned upon, and I'm still in the whole 'no means no, and if we don't like the person you're going with then, apologies, but, you're not going' state. Though, occasionally, I rebel without a real cause, I guess, except a desire for some semblance of freedom, or a need to prove to myself that I am - indeed - in control of my life, and what I do. And that's not usually met with any sort of "You go girl!", "Yeaahhh, Boyyyy" or "Let's do this! LEEROY JENKINS!!!!" (dunno why I linked to those, but...) It's usually more along the lines of long talking-tos and finger-waggings. Yet, in order to cheer me up or perhaps, commiserate, they called for that same sort of action. Not on my part, but on the part of others. Yes, I'm all for that. For me. It works for me, but it doesn't work for everyone else. (Now of course, I didn't say this but...) It works for me because I don't exactly care about the consequences. What's the worst that's going to happen when I get home - Or if they're asleep when I get home, then the next day upon waking? I get a half-hour long talking-to about my choices being bad? I get a harsh suggestion regarding the finding of a job (which I fully intend to do, anyway, when I'm not in school)? That's it. That's all that really can be done at this point. And I can deal with those. Because I had fun doing what I was doing. I feel it was worth it.
Other people might have harsher consequences to deal with, or might be less apathetic towards rules and regulations than I. Which is good. Or they may be more easily crushed under the heel of totalitarianism. Which isn't good, but in time will end. Either way, it just struck me as odd. If *I* were to rebel saying "I'm of age! You can't hold me down," take a bus to the promenade, or leave with a friend, and come back that night, or the next day I'd be in for a world of pain, but it should be perfectly ok for someone else to do that exact thing.....*shakes head* I don't understand it...
But at this time, aside from all this stuff filling up my mind, I also get nostalgic. Memories of conversations flood into my mind...of incidents beyond my control that happened without my realising it...Things that I feel bad about, but at the same time don't - falling in love, when I did, how I did. And we're back to honesty again...It's true that in the past I've been less-than-honest with myself regarding my feelings, and it may have come out as 'lying' to others when I related those 'feelings.' But I tried to make it right in the end by being honest about what had happened, but I ended up hurting people. I really hate hurting people, despite popular belief.
The things that usually pop into my mind are things like:
1. My father told me recently that he thought Brittany and I were a couple the first time I "Brought her 'round the family." - While at that time I wouldn't have objected to the idea, now it's not something I want. Sure We may act flirty and affectionate around each other, but it's all in good fun, and not serious.
2. Transvestitism. - 'nuff said.
3. Weird/Unconventional shit. - Ditto.
4. "What Ifs" - There are so many times that I ask "what if...?" Or think "Gee, I should've done this. The biggest one was wishing I had actually had a livejournal or a blog during my junior high years up through high school and kept it updated. Maybe more as a diary.
I also think...a lot...I get jealous of my brother a bit...him being allowed to dye his hair and everything, while I wasn't. How he tends (Or tended) to get a lot more things his way. But then I realise I'd much rather be me. And I don't want everything I ever ask for right away. It may not be what I want in the long run. Also, If I got everything I wanted I'd take it for granted.
I also tend to have really stupid ideas, like get a cup of tea at *looks at clock O_O* 4:30 AM...because I can't sleep.....*blows some steam away and has another nostalgic memory of catching a grin on the face of someone she just made tea for...*...*looks at spoon and wonders how many times she's sneezed in the past couple days, looks at the fingers holding the spoon and smirks*
Another thing worth mentioning is how curious I am. Random Ideas make me smile. I seem to be the "Try anything twice to be certain I didn't like it the first time." kind of person. I also have really bad ideas. (It should be noted that "stupid" ideas and "bad" ideas are different.) "I wonder what would happen if...." "I suppose I'd get a negative reaction if I were to do this..., but let's do it anyway!" "Wouldn't it be fantastic to....?" "Oh Goddess, how horrible that would be! If......." It's amazing to get a positive reaction when spouting off those sort of ideas, be it a prank, something unconventional, or both!
Seeing as I'm rambling rather aimlessly at this point I think I should finish off my tea, crawl into bed, and beg sleep to wash over me.
Sweet dreams world. Though at this time many a person is waking up to begin their day - Sweet dreams.
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